She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
