Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
