never play flip cup with pint glasses
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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