I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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