I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
