i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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