Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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