you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
