Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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