just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
