I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
