My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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