i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
