my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
