Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
