I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
