If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
