Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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