well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
