Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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