i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
