It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
