Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
