awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
