I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
