My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
