i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She bit a glass in half.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
