Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
her facebook's as public as her vagina
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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