omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
