He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
