i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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