it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
