you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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