Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
my liver is dry heaving
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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