1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
