They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
