Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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