Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
