Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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