I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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