I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
