Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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