I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize
