I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
NoShamevember. You game?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
