I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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