we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
ttyl tear gas
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
