His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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