I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
