I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
