last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Everything about him screamed your future.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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